Discovery at 2:40a.m. Life doesn’t get easier nor does time heal all wounds, maybe it would if you got amnesia.

dontstopthechain:

Where’s my chocolate advent calender mom? Am I too old for it now? Whore.

Ummmmm! I forgot? I guess I better jump on that one…:)

After all the foods is eaten and the dishes are piled high who should be cleaning up my kitchen? Maybe the kitchen elves of plenty who worked so diligently helping prepare delicious foods and desserts all through the morning and afternoons? Nope it was the football game that called those males and left the clean-up to the females of five: Amanda, Caitlyn, Nessa, Kathy and Me. All Good! House full with 26! Happy Thanksgiving to All!

A close friend who knows and understands what myself and my family has gone through this year; said to me that through all the grief, stress, emotional overload that I needed to find the positive in all the negative that surrounds my family. So I have spent time reflecting. These are and who I am thankful for in my life: my wonderful self determined challenging children. Two of them we nearly lost: one due to pregnancy complications caused by overwhelming stress (which took the life of her daughter at 25 weeks) the other my son who nearly died in a car crash in June. my father in law who we nearly lost in September due to unforeseen medical problems, my close group of friends, you have all been there through every up and every down which have been many compared to the up swings. You counseled, listened, made me pancakes for breakfast, made meals for my family, arranged remembrance mass for the baby, etc the list is huge as to what you all did and continue to do. Your overwhelming support, prayers, friendship and love has given my family strength to see each day through in hopes of a better and brighter tomorrow. I can at least smile and laugh that is more than what I could do up till a few months ago. To a dear friend who is more like a brother who planned a get away from Rochester to help me refocus and gain composer to remember that I am not only a mom but a me and a wife; thank you for the wonderful trip. To my husband who had no Idea what to do with two females who cried all the time thank you for being you and looking out for us. Without my children, husband closest of friends, community members who I don’t even know (your kindness and generosity has been appreciated) I have never felt as much love from so many in my life thank you all for being there and continuing to be there as we have all prayed for events to turn to the positive side. for my students a surprising and unselfish group, I never expected you to reach out and be there. You always asked and cared about what was going on especially with two of my children I believe it’s because they have had personal contact with them, and they all understand loss probably better than most people do. You helped me to want to get up and come to work just to see your smiling faces. my nieces (especially V) for taking the time to visit, call or text to see if we needed anything. To the many friends of my children who came to the house and hospital to do what ever you could to help your friend handle what each of them has been going through. So many of you stayed with my daughter, got her out of the house gave her a place to escape when she has needed it. those who spent hours in the ER waiting for word on my son’s progress. How many people can you cram into the ER waiting room or trauma unit room? 16 - 20 if we sat on each others laps. Thank you all! You all have a special place in my heart for you all are special and giving people. I am thankful to God for answering several prayers, I have my children and father in law to enjoy time with. There are a few others I am also thankful for because whether or not they know it they have had a profound impact on my life and hold a special place and love in my heart - always will, whether you are near or far; I will always love you and care about you. To my granddaughter Aurelia Quinn I never got to hold you or see you smile, you are always with me and your Mom for we both wear a silver heart engraved with your name. You are loved and missed. I wish all of you a joyous holiday filled with love. You have given the greatest gift your unconditional friendship and love. You are all my family. with much love. God bless all who my family and I hold dear to our hearts.

So randomly I received a text from a form student. Kinda forgot actually how old some of my form students are now. Any way, he left Rochester to get his life back on track. (he got in a gang and wanted out). He return to the area, reconnecting to family and friends. He met a girl. He started to tell me about her. My former student just turned 20. He doesn’t want to make any mistakes, so he had some questions about relationships and stuff and he remembered how I helped him when he was my student. He felt he could trust me and he said I always gave him good advice. (oh yes he said I could share this information in hopes it may be helpful to others for have similar concerns. Anyway, he had some questions and was hoping I could help or could at least point him in the right direction. First concern his this girl is 3 yes younger than him. He thinks she’s nice and all that but not sure if he wants anything long term. They got into a fight about sex. She wants it, he’s not sure he wants to. I told him I was concerned about the age difference between the two of them. Laws change and as it stands right now, because she is a minor it would be considered rape, even if she consents to it. There was silence. Then he tells me she went on birth control and is telling all her friends that they are having ‘hot sex’. My response oh? I asked: are you. He said no again. She also told her friends she is loading weight from being on contraceptives, like large amounts. He told me she not a very big girl. (he’s over 6feet football player build) I asked how much. He said over 10 pounds. I told him birth control does not cause weight loss, it causes a girl to gain weight, but not loss weight. I said something else is happening for her to loss weight. He continued well she thinks she’s fat. I said ah… Is it possible she has an eating disorder? He didn’t know. He wants her to stop telling people they are having sex, 1) because it’s a private thing. 2) the thing that she’s a minor and he’s an adult. He doesn’t want to go back to jail. Now he’s scared that if the wrong people find out they could ruin his life. So he doesn’t know what to do. I said to him sometimes when girls talk like she did they are trying to impress their friends or get the attention of another guy. They are sending out signals and are using the guy they are with to get what they want or she may want to trap you into being with her. She could she you as her way out of a homelike she doesn’t really like or she thinks you have something she wants or she wants to hurt you and she’s playing mind games with you. We talked for an hour. He said he had a lot to think about and would contact me and let me know how things went. He thanked me for my help. He said he doesn’t want to hurt her, but if she’s gonna continue to talk about stuff like that then maybe he doesn’t need to be caught up in that mess. Things to think about when you date someone that much younger than you. Laws change and we don’t even know it. If you have a passed or not and someone wants to hurt you for something you did, bad things can happen to good people and their lives can be ruined by rumors and girls trying to impress.

One Destructive Relationships (Listening to your Inner Voice)

One Destructive Relationship: Clouded in miscommunication, mistrust, deception —create a prisoner who can’t be their own person and trust their own thoughts, decisions, opinions.

One Destructive Relationship will DESTROY even the  Strongest Positive Relationships in your life. —— making you doubt and fear.

One Destructive relationship causes you to abandon the Good for the Desires of Others —- their Words tear you Down——there all that you hear —- Making you NOT Trust, Believe in your self and your abilities.

One Destructive Relationship its time for you to see —- that the people who gave birth to you are not who you thought they would be.

These are passages from I book I read recently. They had meaning to me, since I took a long hard look at my own life, my parents, and siblings.

A hard listen to learn and accept was that three people in my life who we all think should always be on your side, were actually the ones who caused the most destruction to my emotions, views of myself, etc (My father, mother and Sister.)

I spent time Visualizing my life: the Truth came from within —- not from their negative influences. Listening to My Inner Voice/Wisdom — guided me to a better place. Even those things are rough now, I can still be calm in knowing I made the right choice to me and no one will ever control me or my thoughts, opinions, attitudes or dreams/desires for a happy life.

Now they are part of my life but only from a distance. I still love them, but I see them now with my eyes wide open!

Listen For the Whisper   (Original Version by: Jana Stanfield)

The Whisper holds answers; to the questions its up to me to ask.

I wonder why so often, the things that I do last is…………

Listen for the Whispers deep within my heart.

Listen for the Whisper, a strong yet gentle guide

its thousand different voices ring in my mind.

I Listen for the Whispers that only my heart can hear.

I ask my Friends what they think of things I’m going through.

When No One has the answers; I know just what to do.

I Listen for the Whispers deep down insides…..

Other voices shout  ”You’re Not Good Enough’….

They shout longer ‘You’re Not Worthy of Love’….

And though they Shout much Louder

sometimes I can barely think ———

I know where to turn, to find source of strength and courage.

I Listen for the Whispers that only my Heart can hear.

Poem Written in Early June 2011 - Recently edited and ready to be posted. Other poems written over last few months will also be ready to be posted soon.   At the End of May we experienced the tragic loss of our grand-daughter. Poems have been written as a way for me to express my feelings and thoughts about everything my family has gone  through over the passed year.

The World

The World can’t envision my broken heart,

that weeps behind my every smile.

The World can’t encompass my loneliness or sorrow,

that wraps around my heart for all time.

The World can’t imagine my silent tears,

that gently glisten upon my cheek.

The World doesn’t endure my toll of pretending

that everything is Okay.

The World doesn’t understand my grief I live with,

that of the loss of my Little Girl.

The World can’t deny your Precious Life,

even though you never drew a single breathe.

The World can’t Heal nor can TIme,

that emptiness that resides deep inside.

The World can’t make me ever forget,

that I Love Her so very much.

07-19-2011 By S. Penke

Just as you can’t stop the beating of your heart

—- you can’t stop loving her.

Just as you think you’ve buried her love

deep within your heart

—- you can’t stop loving her.

Just as many nights have passed and

her scent has yet to fade;

You get a glimpse of her face, love comes rushing in

—— You can’t stop loving her.

Just as your eyes connect

there’s  a beating from within

Your heart can’t hold back the love

you contain deep within its depth.

It rushes up consuming you

You realize no matter what you do

—— You can’t stop loving her.

(by: S. Penke 01/24/2011)

The moment I knew I Loved you;

You transformed my lonely heart;

Filled its deepest depths,  with twirling fluttering warmth.

(s. penke  01/22/2011)

Close your eyes; go to sleep.

You need to rest; Stop over thinking.

Don’t be scared to say ‘Hello’.

You did nothing wrong.

You need answers; less confusion.

Then decide what happens next.

Wipe your tears; and get some rest!

(written: January 17,2011) By S. Penke

Dedicated to those in my life who have been affected by stressful situations, life’s little surprises and circumstances that were life changing. Nickleback’s “If Today Were Your Last Day”

“If Today Was Your Last Day”

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What’s worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts ‘cause there’s no second try
So live like you’ll never live it twice
Don’t take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you’re dreamin’ of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it’s never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
‘Cause you can’t rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin’ stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you’re dreamin’ of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day 

Nervous about letting you go to NYC… I know you will be fine and have an amazing time.

You have been through so much. I see the affects it has taken on you. It’s amazing how much you hide how much you are hurting and what a wrack you are on the inside. Everyone at School 54 was impressed at how positive and up beat you were during your visit. You have inspired many people with your strength and the love they have shown You, Aurelia and Mark through their prayers, messages, visits and positive words is just amazing.

I will miss you while you are in NYC.. Love to my Peanut.. 

I look upon my Daughter’s face,

At first, I glimpse my little girl,

Too young to be a Mother.

As each day elapses into months

A young woman emerging,

No longer do I gaze upon my Teenage Daughter,

But the blossoming of a New Mother.

What to eat, when to sleep you contemplate the most.

In the quiet of your room;

A Voice tender and sweet, to your unborn daughter do you speak.

I stand aside your bedroom door,

Listening to you recite of stories and moments;

With Love in your words to your daughter of her father.

Humming, drumming your fingers as he does;

To soothe you when you’re ailing.

These lull the lil one abiding within.

Entertaining a piano creation performed by her father.

Keeping his picture beside your bed,

for her to distinguish him from all others.

Brusters Ice Cream and Longhorn fry chips;

Seem a weekly 9 o’clock occurrence.

And don’t forget the Blackberry Tea!

Four Glasses if you PLEASE!

Your pregnancy stealing stamina, strength, resilience.

Not a week, transpiring of fleeing home;

Discovering curled in blanket of red and black,

boundless tears upon your face.

Pain, stress doing your best to keep it all together.

Collapsing on Campus;

Terrified with apprehension: “Would I get there in time?”

Abdominal Pain, Glucose plunging, blood pressure surging;

Emotional Stress and Sorrow have yet to Ebb…

Inordinate nights of foreboding loss,

Of you and your daughter.

Health compromised;

Your life as adored as your daughter’s.

Cherished gift preserving drawing you from bed.

Tears shed, Emotional Affliction.

Nights without sleep, Joking who had more.

Dispensing Dreams, Images of life with her.

Filled with love, childish fun, waiting to behold it all.

Embracing life growing within all begins to unravel

In one moment your unborn daughter…

Bliss of baby bump eroding to panic, fear.

Medical tests and advice not giving hope

For a Healthy Baby Girl.

I watch you at a distance,

Uncontrollable tears I weep,

This should not be the ways things are.

Too many emotional decisions for one to make,

Regarding this Little Angel…

With help of your friends she has been given

A name: Aurelia Quinn Penke-Repka.

This little girl a fighter like her Mom;

Many prayers have been uttered for:

You, Mark, Aurelia and Your family;

By so many, that a miracle yet will happen.

Abounding Faith touching you; God will show his purpose.

You won’t imagine life without her!

To Aurelia you talk, give her love,

Your dream a healthy baby girl……

You won’t abandon or

Make her feel unloved;

With each breath you take,

She is who you live for…….

What Makes a Girl Become a Mother?

Facing insurmountable obstacles

You believe in and love your daughter;

Want her to know; and trust in her father.

With your unconditional love;

You know you may:

Never hold her in your arms,

See her smile;

Know the color of her hairs or eyes.

Will she be a Geek, Dancer, Runner, Pianist or Flutist.

These are things and so much more,

That many Parents take for granted.

These are things you hope and pray to have a chance to savor.

By Sandra Penke (05/22/2011)

Assessing a student’s ability to define words.

Ms. Penke: “What does Curious mean?”

Student: “George”

nearly peed my pants trying not to laugh!